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07 February 2016

the SHOWER of death and the ROOFTOP Expedition

For ME, some DAYS work doesn’t START until after THREE in the afternoon.

THURSDAY, my first PIANO lesson was at 4:15 then my THURSDAY DJ gig at Sanctuary Hotel from 6-10.

MY friend was coming from BROOKLYN to hang out with ME before work and her trek to EAST VILLAGE lasted a STAGGERING three HOURS.  everything WAS running LOCAL.  #nycproblems

regardless, IT was a situation WHERE I got an |OMW| TEXT at 11am and EXPECTED her in EV by 12:30 at the LATEST.

SINCE most of the TRAINS are underground, DELAYED trains = NO communication.

I waited, and waited, and didn’t shower, and waited, texted wondering if she died, and waited, and waited.

I FINALLY get a text at 12:53, “So. This train was hella local.  At court st.”

fine…TIME to shower.


the SHOWER in my tiny East Village Apartment is nothing short, IT’s microsopic.

if YOU drop anything in IT, bend slowly and ACCURATELY.  or ELSE, BAM!

Back hits the FAUCETS, head HITS the wall, you PUSH the SHOWER curtain out FAR enough to where WATER gets all over the FLOOR; which, MIND you, IS uneven and POOLS in WEIRD spots all over the BLACK and WHITE tile.

when YOU turn it ON, you have to TILT the shower HEAD as far to the LEFT of right so that it DOESN’T spray you or, again, get water ALL over the BUMPY floor.

moreover, there ARE two FAUCETS coming out of the WALL.

|ONE for HOT|ONE for COLD|

at the BEGINNING of each CLEANSING of mass DESTRUCTION one MUST crank the HOT, crank the COLD, and CLOSE the curtain as quickly as possible, or again, get water ALL over the BUMPY floor.

THE desired TEMPERATURE lasts APPROXIMATELY 35-45 SECONDS before it EITHER turns BRICK ass COLD, or NASA lava HOT, and THE water PRESSURE on this THING is SUPERNATURAL.

during TEMPERATURE fluxuations, the best TACTIC is to TILT the shower HEAD as far to the LEFT or RIGHT and SMASH yourself against the WALL as close as you can get.

it ALSO doesn’t help that you HAVE to reach through the FLOW of WATER to adjust the TEMPERATURE, i’ve BURNED my arms NUMEROUS times; it STINGS.

THE shower HEAD protrudes through an UNFINISHED hole in the dRYWALL spitting UNEVEN jets of SOUL piercing WATER.  Because of THE size of the stall, there is NO escaping.

getting READY can take SLIGHTLY longer with these bathroom woes, I spend A LOT of time COWERING in the CORNER trying not TO SCORCH my back during a LAVA hot shower of DEATH episode.

there was NO rush, my FRIEND arrived from BROOKLYN at 2PM.

I wanted to WALK to my lesson in TRIBECA and had TIME to stop at MY rooftop to HAVE a quick CHILL session prior.

did I mention that the LANDLORD put a NEW locking DOOR on the rooftop?  because, THEY DID.

AROUND 2:30 i was LOCKED on the 6th STORY rooftop on the wing with NO rooftop fire ESCAPE ladder; SAFTY 1st.

at 2:50 my FRIEND and I devised a PLAN to hoist her over to the roof of the STAIRWAY leading to the SECOND wing, allowing HER to jump to THE other side which had LADDER access to the fire escape LEADING to my bedroom WINDOW.

MIRACULOUSLY, I left my WINDOW open and SHE was able to climb down to the SECOND floor, jump through the WINDOW, run back upstairs and open the DOOR getting me on the STREET by 3:15.

an HOUR is ENOUGH time to MAKE the walk, but TOOK my PLANNED late LUNCH out of the EQUATION.

so I THOUGHT // we ZOOMED south ON foot and I still had time to GRAB a BURGER from BLACK BURGER on CANAL ST.

things WORKED out in the END and I was on time to ALL of my JOBS.



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