What's Going On

11 March 2016

8 MIN abs and [the shower of DEATH /-/ THE SEQUEL]

it’s EASIEST to just COME out and SAY it, I work OUT with 3 pound PINK weights I BOUGHT FOUR years AGO at target.

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MY friends have DOPE gym MEMBERSHIPS at CLASSY and SASSY establishments; SOUL CYCLE, CRUNCH, SYNERGY, DAVID BARTON, and fight club. [no one talks about the last one though]

five YEARS back I bought a VHS of the 1995 CLASSIC 8 min ABS.

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stay WOKE brau, it’s 2016.

THE gym’s too LIVE tho, I’m RETRO + low key = WTF did I just SAY? #millennialspeak

NEVERTHELESS, I live in NEW YORK CITY and the SQUARE space I have in MY room to do 8 MIN ABS is about 6ft by 4ft // I’m 5’8, [it’s TIGHT]

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in the PROCESS of a successful 8 MIN ab DRILL i’LL hit my HEAD on the DRESSER, bash my knee AGAINST my KEYBORD, BLAST my head on the 3 pound pink weights, and SHAUN [CAT] proudly rubs his ASS in my face.

/\ /\

(=’.’=)

(”)_(”)

i STARTED my AB discipline FIVE years AGO, then upped the BAR and purchased 8 MIN ARMS, BUNS, and LEGS on AMAZON for THIRTY-FIVE CENTS; a FRACTION of your TYPICAL gym MEMBERSHiP fee.

I’m NOT ripped, but MY beer INTAKE to gut RATIO is PRETTY notable.

8 MIN arms STARTS with 15 SECONDS of pushups, the HARDEST pose to ACCOMPLISH in SAID purple palace; 150 sq ft OVERPRICED promise land, EAST VILLAGE, NYC.

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with EVERY push, I MUST turn MY neck to ONE side to AVOID hitting my FACE against the broken/wobbly DUKEN bed frame [IKEA]

when the VIDEO gets to the “REAR RAISES” I have to STAND on a CHAIR close to the DUKEN to not DESTROY everything in MY bedroom.

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THE workout is LIGHT but EFFECTIVE when I KEEP up with my PLANNED THREE times a WEEK routine.

sunday GOALS were MADE, 8 MIN abs ROCKED, arms WERE tight, and a DAY OFF.

|the shower|

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as SOON as I thought I’d MASTERED the shower, it FOUGHT back.

kickoff, TURN both HANDLES as QUICKLY as possible, SHUT the curtain to PREVENT preshower FROZEN wetness, and |SOAKED| uneven floor.

OLD buildings like MINE use STEAM for HEAT and HOTWATER meaning WHEN the heat HITS, BLISTERING!

[I] was GIVEN a break, the SHOWER held a CONSISTENT temperature UNTIL CONDITIONING.

|SCORCHED|

“HOLY FUCK” I SCREAMED as I cowered into the CORNER, frantically turning the HEAT knob CLOCKWISE while SCALDING my arm in the UNAVOIDABLE fire and brimstone stream of H2O.

|ANTARCTIC|

it TURNED on me sending me FURTHER into a bipolar SHOWER TEMPERATURE trek.

TEMPERATURE VARITIONS in ORDER.

|Mild| > |PLEASANT| > |LUKEWARM| > |HOT| > |HOT| > |HOLY FUCK| > |SCORCHING| > |SCORCHING| <| HOLY FUCK| < |HOT| < |HOT| < |LUKEWARM| < |PLEASANT| < |MILD| < |ANTARTIC| < |ANTARTIC| — [REPEAT]

a DELICATE dance of GRABBING soaps THROUGH ICICLES and quick RINSING strategically after VOLCANIC heat ERUPTIONS allowed ME to finish the shower in ONE piece.

|I SURVIVED|

I overheard BILL [ROOMMATE] on the PHONE with MAINTENANCE complaining ABOUT the shower YESTERDAY.

IT makes me WONDER how someone like BILL handles the STRESS of the SHOWER of DEATH. is this WHY he only SHOWERS once a WEEK?

will I ALSO BECOME this SHOWERS BITCH?

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